i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
