I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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