listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
