tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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