I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think my vagina is haunted
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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