the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
