apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Randomize
