I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
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