Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
