The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I accidentally had phone sex last night
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
My pussy is not your playground.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
