just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
