I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
