Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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