what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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