Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
