meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
