Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
