Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
