My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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