ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Randomize
