"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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