And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
