Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
