i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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