I can tuck mytits in my pants
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
