no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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