WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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