There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
