I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
