I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
