Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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