so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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