I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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