i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
