We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize
