i permit you to call me
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
dude i'm inner monologue high
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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