I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
