Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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