My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
