i permit you to call me
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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