I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
