She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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