i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Too much gin, very little bucket
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
