you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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