This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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