Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
