Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
