May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
