A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
