he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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